Tomorrow our two years of walks by the river will come to a close. I worry that leaving behind this river apartment will be the closing of a season. Perhaps I know it will be, but I worry about everything I’ve taken for granted over the last two years: the simplicity of life here on our river trails.
I’ve fought simplicity for so long, and just as I have begun to embrace it, our life is about to change. I fought against it as Wesley sought time with his mama, reading books on the floor in his room, cuddling as we watched Thomas & Friends, playing the same simple made-up games over and over, walking around the complex grass. Instead of embracing what was, I sought what could be and daydreamed about our future in a new house, my potential future in authoring a book, and even the future I have now with my new job. I sought the things that made me productive instead of the ones that made me more loving, compassionate, and present.
I recognize that what beckons me now is the call of simplicity and presence: just being with my little boy as he’s a malleable sponge soaking in the world. I don’t want his memory of his mama to be tainted by tension and my tendency toward rushing through life. I want him to remember me as a mama who was fully present and engaged in his entire life, pushing him on swings, taking him for long walks, reading books with him, carrying him around on my back, and giving him the love he deserves. I want him to remember me as someone who found beauty in the small parts of life.
His full-bodied laugh and the way he says “mama” reminds me that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be when I’m present with him. Even as I’ve gone back to work, I still have these simple moments with him all the other hours of the day. The simplicity of it is a gift that I’m still learning to embrace. As I walk between the pines of this season–this life–God continues to remind me of the beauty of living it all out fully, for that is what this life is for: to be lived out as fully as possible and as wholeheartedly as my heart can muster. To walk in line with God’s will for this season is the most peace I’ve felt in ages.
Yes, this season will soon come to a close, as they all do. But I will not leave this one with regrets of not existing within it as fully as I could. This life I’m walking in contains multitudes and nuance, but the simplicity is what shines the brightest. It’s good and life-giving and peace-holding. Once I stopped fighting it, it became a way of life.
The small moments are what I will remember from these days in our river apartment, the simplicity of our life here. The sun shining through the windows, the wildflowers in the spring, those early days of Wesley learning to crawl, then walk, then run. All so simple and small, yet so filled with wonder, beauty, and goodness. May simplicity and presence be the guiding light in this new season.