Existing Within / Finding Myself by Losing Myself
two short essays on early motherhood
Looking through my Google Drive, I found a collection of essays I began working on back in early 2022—nearly two years ago now. These essays all centered around motherhood, existing fully within my life as a new mom and the changes that were happening within me, physically and personally. I honestly forgot about them and never thought I would actually share them with the world, but looking at them now, I believe that these words need to be read. So here they are: I hope they touch you as much as they’ve touched me reading them now.
Essay One: Existing Within
Sitting on our regular bench by the river, my son looks up wide-eyed toward the trees. The leaves move in the gentle breeze, and his hair blows along with them. I follow his line of sight and notice the beauty amongst the trees as well. The green hues are radiant alongside the river and the blue of the sky. The sun shines through, its light moving with the leaves as they are moved by the wind. With the breeze, the colors dancing, and the shifting shadows this moment with my boy feels sacred—one singular moment holding so much.
As the sun finds an opening through the oak leaves, I look back at Wesley. His eyes are open wide with wonder, his mouth jaw-dropped as he takes in the view, dimples deep and fully exposed on his cheeks. He is golden light in that moment with the sun, joyful and curious, fully present and existing within these days and experiences given to us. I suppose it comes naturally for ones so small and new to this world to view life this way.
It’s here, on this bench, my hair unwashed in a messy bun, in a body I no longer recognize, with an infant who has turned my world upside down, that I come to the realization that there is no going back to the woman I once was. But it is also here that I am overcome with gratitude for what my life, right here and now, affords me.
It’s this life that I am learning to exist within, these moments I’m learning to grasp fully. One step at a time, one day at a time, I have become someone who is no longer accustomed to going through the motions or wishing away my circumstances. I’m learning to fully embrace the ordinary of diaper changes and nap schedules, the monotony of never ending laundry and baby-friendly meal planning. I’ve given up the persona of the woman who has it all together, for perfection in motherhood is a far-off dream. Life in this place is messy and mundane, but it is also rewarding and worthwhile. I’m slowing down enough to be here as an active participant in my own life as life unfolds around me.
Before my son was born, I had a tendency to rush through life. I wished my current circumstances away, longing for something better. I struggled to find contentment in my life and always sought after acceptance and validation. My life was flying by right before my eyes, but I didn’t have the ability to fully see how detrimental my way of living was.
It wasn’t until I was in the hospital room with my baby boy in the bassinet next to me that I realized that the present moment is what really matters. Worrying about the past or longing for future days was no longer my go-to coping mechanism. And over the past year of having my son by my side, it’s written on my heart even more that the present moment is all we have, all that’s guaranteed for us.
Essay Two: Finding Myself by Losing Myself
Before Wesley, my life was centered around my work and my lifestyle. My job afforded me an outlet for my need to feel efficient and useful. I answered emails and responded to voicemails in record time with the utmost professionalism. I created systems and spreadsheets with ease and efficiency. My problem solving skills were put to use daily as I worked through problems that came up with software and building facilities. I worked with others to create new ways to do our jobs well and to best serve our students. While my job was certainly not my dream job, it did give me a sense of accomplishment and usefulness.
My lifestyle was similar: organized, productive, and rigid. I was strict about my exercise and diet and bordered on the line of being obsessive about going to the gym. My workouts were planned well in advance, and I planned my entire day around them. Everything I did was to be useful or learn something new. I rarely read fiction because I didn’t find it useful, and I only created a craft if it was to be used as home decor or given as a gift. The only time I let myself watch a movie or binge Netflix was when I needed a way to cope from something.
My life was in-between the lines and within my comfort zone, a straight and narrow path. As you can imagine, when Wesley was born my entire world shifted substantially. I could no longer live a life of black and white rigidity. My independence was no longer a gift afforded to me. At first, I resented this new life.
Instead of waking up to get ready for work, I was up multiple times a night to feed my son. Instead of pursuing my old hobbies, I was spending every minute maintaining a household and nurturing baby Wesley. As my husband went back to work, I struggled to keep it together during the day. I tried to relaunch my blog and get back into writing, but I started feeling overwhelmed by the demands of life. How could I get back my old life that I loved? How could I get back the person I used to be?
But as the days went on further into motherhood, I began forgetting the person I once was. This new season was one that began to shape my heart, unbeknownst to me. The woman who lived off of efficiency began to fade into the distance. She was no longer who I was or wanted to be. I became someone who had fun and lived life open to the possibilities. As I nurtured my son, I began to nurture myself too. I started caring for myself in ways that I had never thought of before.
Instead of wondering who I was apart from my work and old lifestyle, I began wondering who I was, right here and now. Who was I becoming? Who did I want to be? And how could I use this opportunity that God had given me to exist more fully within my own life?
I was becoming someone who was no longer afraid of uncertainty and gray area. With motherhood, I naturally became more laid back and surrendered with my life. I no longer felt the need to control every aspect, and it felt freeing to let go of control. I was becoming someone who was no longer going through the motions, more curious about faith and life than I ever had been before. God’s hand felt so evident in my daily life, even when it was ordinary or filled with baby cries.
I knew that I wanted to be someone who lived out of love and lived with full integrity to who I was. I wanted to be encouraging, especially in my words and the way I interacted with others. I wanted to live confidently in the gifts and talents that God had given me, and I wanted to live without fear to perform the tasks that God had called and equipped me to do. Stewarding well what God had given, I wanted to live fully within all that he had blessed me with while nurturing my family and myself.
While I no longer longed for certainty, there was one thing I was certain of: I could not waste these days that God had given me with my son. I wanted to be someone who was hopeful even in the impossible, looking for light in the worst darkness and shadows. I needed to be fully present within my own life. I wanted to experience everything God had for me, even when it was difficult to face.
Out of my desire to live more presently, I felt myself being drawn into intentional living. Perhaps that was a desire that lived within me when my husband and I made the decision for me to be a stay at home mom. Perhaps I longed for something deeper even then, something that this new life has been able to provide for me and teach me.
God had given me this opportunity to live differently, and it all started with those two pink lines. Once I accepted His invitation, I was able to dream wildly about who I could become as a mother and as a woman. My acceptance of this transition paved the way for new hobbies and passions to take root in my heart. Although I had taken on a new title of “mother”, it didn’t mean that motherhood would now define me. I was defined by my love and my pursuit of living more intentionally.
Becoming a mom felt like losing a part of myself. But maybe that part of me was always meant to be lost to the changing tides of time. Sometimes I still miss the person I used to be. But I no longer wish to be her.
Usefulness does not make me a better person. Efficiency does not help me to love better. Being fit and exercising obsessively does not define my ability to mother or be a good person. And my lifestyle and work do not dictate who I am inside.
God often gives us opportunities to live more fully within our own lives. Becoming a mother was my most defining moment of this invitation. Who I once was may be lost to the past, but what I’ve found by accepting this invitation is so much greater. Who I am now is my truest self, honest to who she is, and better able to love and experience this world to the fullest.
This is beautiful, Lauren.