Do I really want God?
on how I should be with God
Six years ago in May, I found myself sitting atop a hill in central Kentucky. With the sun upon my face, I felt closer to God than ever before. I was visiting a monastery as part of my last seminary class, and it felt like more of a lesson in personal spiritual formation than an actual master’s level course. Over that weekend, I experienced God in deeply personal conversations, and he spoke to me about my circumstances in unexpected ways.
At the time, I was eager for clarity around my job situation. I was working at a church where I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Their focus on data and numbers rubbed me the wrong way, and I began to speak out against some of their practices. I had been burned by them before, and I knew that my time there was fleeting. Being only 3 months from my wedding, I was ready for a change. I asked God for clarity and discernment, but the words I heard from him were even greater:
You so desperately want my direction, but do you really want me?
To be honest, at that time in my life, I wanted what the Lord could give me rather than the Lord himself. But that weekend in Kentucky reminded me that I could never receive God’s harvest if I didn’t have intimacy with him. His blessings and abundance would never be enough without a personal relationship.
For the sake of this particular story (and because I’m the person who always wants to know how it ends), God did give me an answer to my specific prayer. Just two days after returning from this trip, the Lord took this job away from me. But the very next day, I was offered an interview for what would become my next job and adventure until Wesley was born.
So this brings me to today. Do I really want God? Do I want Him more than I want the things of this world?
In this new season, I’ve found myself desperately clinging to the Lord. I’m often reminded that I am often who Jesus is referring to when he talks about the poor in spirit in Matthew 5. When I have nothing else—no words to share, no prayers to bring, only a broken and desperate heart—He is the strength to my weakness. But I still find myself thinking that the things of this world will satisfy me. I run to this world’s water even when I thirst for the Living Water.
I’ve often said that being a mom reminds me of the goodness in this world. My boys’ eyes being opened wide to this world inspire me to remember God’s presence. Wesley especially teaches me daily lessons on patience, kindness, and the innocence of children. He also has a fire beneath him for the Lord that he doesn’t quite understand yet.
After his dentist appointment last week, I told him that he could pick out a toy with his $10 he had received from my dad for Valentine’s Day. So, of course, Wesley picked out two toys that were pretty ridiculous, but hey, he’s three. He was satisfied with his choices until we came upon the kid’s water bottles. Wesley saw an even greater prize: a red silicone Gatorade water bottle.
“That’s my favorite - I want that.” (everything is his favorite these days)
I told him that if he wanted that water bottle, he would have to put his toys back because he couldn’t get both with his $10 (honestly, he couldn’t even afford the water bottle with the $10, but I was willing to cover the rest since he needed a new one anyway). I expected a fight, but he immediately handed over his toys to make the trade. In that moment, I thought to myself, I wish I was that excited about something that I would hand over anything else to get it. And it hit me: that’s how I should be with God.
I want to be someone who is so desperate for the Lord that I would give up anything else.
I want to be dissatisfied with anything that doesn’t have God in it.
I want to be fulfilled by God alone.
You so desperately want my direction, but do you really want me?
I’ll always be a work in progress, but I’m learning to run after God before anything else. Even when I fail, when I fall apart, when I chase the things this world can offer me, I’ll always come back to Him.
So yes, God. I want You, the things of You, and whatever You can offer me, I’ll receive with joy.
