Hello reader,
The other day, Facebook reminded me that I was my county’s fair queen back in 2010. Facebook often reminds me of things I don’t want to be reminded of, and I’m not talking strictly about my tanning obsession phase (why did I think that looked natural?) or 2010-esque clothing that is certainly not in style now and wasn’t even in style back then. I’m talking about the reminder that I lived so far from God, trying to do life by my own strength. The sin of pride was so prominent in my life back then, and this Facebook memory caused me to realize that pride is still a sin that affects me now—it just has a different way of presenting itself.
When I won county fair queen 13 years ago, I thought that perhaps this one thing would prove that I had value. It would fill my desire to matter and be accepted by someone. Maybe it would help me gain instant popularity and homecoming queen status (spoiler alert: it did not). Maybe by winning this title I would actually mean something and be important. People would care what I had to say because I had worn a crown on my head.
These thoughts are so silly to me now because I literally competed against only three other girls, and the county fair king was the only male in the competition (hello, small town South Dakota). While I did receive some attention that weekend as I strutted around our one square block of fairgrounds, it didn’t actually change anything in my life. I was still the small town girl who would do anything to fit in and who was desperate for love and acceptance. I was still just me, broken and flawed, but too prideful to admit how off course I had gone. I thought I had clout with that crown and sash, but all I really gained was a bigger ego and bitterness toward the world for not stroking it the way I expected.
My royalty counterpart passed away in a car accident a few years ago. Justin was someone who was quiet and introspective, yet he was so sure of himself. He didn’t need the crown to gain notoriety. He simply just wanted to serve. Now when I see the photo of us as newly crowned small town royalty, all I can think is how meek and humble he was and how I was neither of those things then, nor am I those things most days 13 years later.
Just as 17 year old me was filled with pride after winning that crown that is now tarnished in my old farmhouse bedroom, 30 year old me is still prideful. I seek after the things that I think will help me gain success or will make other people view me in a positive light. I want to be loved for the good parts of me and hide away the bad parts in my childhood closet.
And just as 17 year old me thought that winning the county fair queen competition would make me popular and have value, I often think that having a bigger platform or a book deal would give me value. It would show that I have worthwhile things to say and that I’m important. But if wearing that silly crown didn’t change my life, why would having a bigger platform or book deal change it if I don’t first change my heart? Am I really serving and loving others well if I’m always trying to go about it in a way that strokes my overinflated ego?
So, as I look at the photo of Justin and I from 2010, I mourn for not only the loss of Justin but I also mourn for the person I was back then who thought that popularity was the end goal. I was so lost within myself, looking for meaning and love in the wrong ways, making myself exalted only to fall flat on my face because popularity could not save me. I wish I could step back in time and tell her that God was the answer all along. She didn’t need to win that crown to gain notoriety, and she didn’t and still doesn’t need notoriety at all. All she needed was dependence on a sovereign, loving God and all-encompassing peace that comes from following him. She needed to set aside her pride and allow God to do a great work in her.
I’m praying that as I continue to walk between the pines of my faith journey that God would wreck my pride. I’m praying that I would find acceptance in the Lord instead of this world, that I would find approval from God rather than man, that I would be okay with failure as long as it’s a path I’ve been called down. God, wreck my pride and make me new.
And Facebook? Please stop it with the cringey memories of song lyric statuses, my Twilight phase, and overall bad decisions I made a decade ago (unless there’s a good lesson in it for my Substack readers).
Words for the Journey
I’ve read several great essays this month that resonated with me that you might enjoy too:
How to Envy Well by Kayti Christian for Feelings Not Aside
When Doubt Meets Love by S.E. Reid for The Wildroot Parables
The Best Possible Use of Our Feet by Collette Eaton for Courage & Candor
And a book I’m still reading but have already been so encouraged by:
Create Anyway: The Joy of Pursuing Creativity in the Margins of Motherhood by Ashlee Gadd. You can follow her personal Substack here or her Coffee + Crumbs publication here!
On the Blog
Walking in the Wilderness is my blog where I write about seasonal and present moment living, as well as looking for God’s goodness and provision in every season. I (try to) post every other Friday.
Living with a Spirit of Indifference about living open-handedly toward God’s will.
The Uphill Battles we Face about the battles we’re called to face vs. the ones of our own making.
Writing Update/An Exciting Announcement
I am SO EXCITED to finally share this with you all: I have been accepted into the Lisa Whittle Internship Program with author, speaker, and podcaster Lisa Whittle! Through this opportunity I will not only receive one-on-one mentoring and coaching from Lisa, but I’ll also receive hands-on experience in various ministry areas, as well as being able to build relationships with other interns. I also have the opportunity to help elevate Lisa’s various ministry areas, which I have always admired and been encouraged by.
I actually applied for this opportunity last year, but did not make it very far in the process. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to apply this year, but decided to totally last minute and on a total whim. To say that I was shocked to find out I was selected is an understatement!
I’m grateful for the initial rejection because it’s clear that I needed this last year of growth to be ready for an opportunity like this. I’ll be sharing more about my experience in this program over the next year so stay tuned!
Thank you for reading Between the Pines.
Thanks for sticking with me as I navigate what I want this space to be (or thank you for joining me if you are new here!) I’ve been enjoying writing more long-form reflective pieces, and I hope that they resonate with you in some way. You can expect more of this style of writing in this space, and I’ll be writing more practical/application-focused/spiritual self-help type content over on my blog if that’s of any interest to you.
May God meet you on your journey between the pines, friend.
Talk to you soon,
Lauren Carrizal
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